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Why Write About Depression and Addiction?

R. Alex Jenkins

R. Alex Jenkins

I write about depression and addiction to (hopefully) help other people who are going through the same mindfuck called life as me. Instead of digging a bigger psychological hole for yourself, you can address depression and related addiction and hopefully move on.

I have spent thousands of hours doing things I regret, by raping my self-esteem through petty activities that achieve mostly nothing. Yes, it's called filling in the gaps when you're not at work or school, such as writing this article, right?

You don't have to be a hardcore drug or alcohol addict to have problems and become depressed, but hardcore at being addicted to whatever grabs your fancy. Open an application when you should be working and stay there for two or three hours! That's where it starts. When addiction gets hold it doesn't abate until it leaves you dry and sick of yourself to the core. An addictive mind will settle for nothing else and will keep on going until it's fed up and considers taking extreme action. Suicide springs to mind! You get more depressed because you achieve nothing with your life, then more depressed and so on.

A quick hour at this or that won’t hurt, you tell yourself on hundreds of different occasions, but suddenly, your whole day/week/year has disappeared and all productivity has gone. Your mind plays tricks on you when you're feeling most vulnerable, when you’re having a bad day or feeling stressed about something and, frustratingly, when you’ve managed to beat your addiction for an extended period. When you're feeling good about yourself! You convince yourself that a quick dabble won't hurt. Suddenly you're wasting your time away without even realising it.

Excessive procrastination goes round in circles and you're never fully satisfied, often feeling ashamed of yourself for having no control and for clearing out the proverbial fridge. It's repetitive cycle of non-achievement that makes you feel depressed.

If you don't feel good about yourself due to lack of self-respect and control, you cannot feel good about other people. Life can become a horror show of introverted toxic shame, which no-one helps you get out of because you can't even admit it to yourself.

Try and break the cycle.

The irony about depression and ensuing addiction is the short-term enjoyment you get from it. But long term you feel awful.

The additional problem is that one type of addiction can subtly lead to others. These are triggers. If you do anything to excess, take too many drugs or booze it up too often, your life can become a mirror of that and, because your self-esteem is now so low, it doesn't matter if you indulge even more or into other addictions that make you feel more depressed. Once you understand that depression leads to addiction, which leads to further addiction, you can start to do something about the situation and get some happiness back into your life.

You can break the cycle.

Writing about addiction is rather depressing, self-defeating and addictive in itself, but if you're reading this far then I am hopefully reaching out to you? Maybe even achieving a spiritual goal for us. Self-exorcism? Ranting, maybe.

Express yourself, admit who you are or remain forever in your shell.

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